I am a professional people watcher and there is no better place in the world to watch people than at your local Costco. I’m not going to lie. I dig the samples as much as the next guy. But I think I like watching the people who get the samples more than getting them myself. Having been a long time Costco employee and now shopper, I have compiled my Top Ten list of my favorite sampler types. I’m sure you are one of these.

Here are my Top 10 Costco Samplers:

10. The Curious Sampler- This is the sampler that can spot those red/white checkered tablecloths a mile away. Yet, when they stroll down the aisle they act as if they “didn’t even see it”. Then they will get up close and kinda  hover over whatever is cooking and then proclaim utterly dumbfounded ” Hmmm…watcha cooking today?” As if this idiot has never seen a friggin hotdog. He will then shovel one in his mouth and stand there chewing and look as if he is really trying to determine if he is ready to introduce this exotic food into his diet.

9. The Really Interested Sampler- This lady strolls over to the sample table and unlike the other samplers she will actually pick up the package, turn it around and pretend to read the ingredients. This, of course, is a stall tactic that allows her to be first in line for the BIG EVENT…the freshly cooked quiche. She will then continue to ask questions that will warrant “just another taste”.

8. The No Shame Sampler- This is the one that doesn’t even bother to finish one sample before hitting the next stop. At least ,all other samplers will remove all evidence from their baskets and thoroughly wipe their mouths. This guy collects the samples in the child seat section of his basket and will stand there at his next stop fully enjoying the little treasures he found at his last stops.

7. The Master Of Disguise Sampler- This is usually the dude with the sunglasses and baseball cap that will quietly walk up and grab a sample and slip away only to return soon after with the sunglasses off and the cap on backwards. This, of course, opens the door for one last return on the way out minus the hat and the glasses.

6. The Hit and Run Sampler- This guy at least deserves credit for not even pretending like he gives a crap about the 12 ways you can serve friggin teriyaki chicken. This dude and his basket don’t even break stride. With a quick swipe he has his “booty” in hand and he’s on to the next. This is also the same guy whose eyes light up when he sees an unattended sample table….WITH A PLATTER FULL OF SAMPLES. He will slowly work his way over to the table and wait until “the coast is clear” and then grab one and then another and another until either the sample lady returns or another sampler approaches. He will then sheepishly look at the other sampler and say ” I guess it’s ok if we take ONE, right?”

5. The Camper Sampler- I’m guessing these people are Trekkies at heart cuz anyone that will camp outside a theater for a friggin movie will have no problem standing and waiting at a sample table for 10 minutes to get his 1/16thof a microwave cheeseburger. Once they have staked their claim to first in line they won’t move because they know there are other campers in the store that will swoop down and take their spot. I mean, it’s really not worth it if you have to get.. like, the 4th piece of hamburger.  

4. The Friendly Old Guy Sampler- This is the old guy that shows up mid morning when everyone else is at work. He is best friends with all of the sample ladies will talk about his grandkids, their grandkids, the weather and all the while be eating what amounts to an entire salmon.

3. The Not My Taste Sampler- This person samples everything in the store and so as not to have to deal with the guilt of not buying the item will take a sample, hesitantly, look at it, smell it…even ask the sample lady ” Are they good?”. They then proceed to shove the entire thing in their mouths and make one of those ” no, this is not for me..don’t really like it” faces. This will prevent the sample lady from trying to push one on them and they can make their way to the Vitamix demonstration and wash it down with a nice smoothie.  

2.The Lady With Ten Kids Sampler- I love this one because it really pisses the sample ladies off. They have just put their heart and soul in putting that crappy fake crab spread on the crackers and in one fell swoop this sampler shows up with a basket full of kids and wipes her out. Sampler lady will make every effort to dissuade as many kids as possible with ” Be careful it’s really HOT”….but it comes out of the refrigerator…”Huh? Oh…I meant hot as in spicy…most little kids don’t like it”…..It’s just crab..it can’t be too bad…” Well if you want to fill your kids up with mercury, go ahead..”…….I thought mercury was only in fish…..”Oh…well did I tell you I sprinkled glass on the crackers?  But her efforts are to no avail and suddenly she is staring at an empty platter again and “Kate, Plus Eight” are on their way to the next stop.

1. The Next Aisle Dumper Sampler- As an ex- Costco employee of 10 years, this sampler holds a special place in my heart and it’s not a good place. These people are the ones that take a sample, give the obligatory “Mmmm…that’s good! Where can I get these?” After the sample lady hands them one, they, of course, are now eligible for “just one more..those are really good”, because they are, after all, going to actually purchase one. Not so fast. They are going to give the impression that they are going to purchase one and will promptly deposit that item in the very next aisle. Just out of the sight of the poor sample lady. She is standing there full of pride as her frozen peanut butter & jelly squares are selling like mad. She doesn’t realize that they are not actually going to happy customers homes but being stacked like the friggin pyramids on top of the coffee cans in the next aisle.

KRIS ALLEN WINS!!!! Goodness and truth have prevailed. It seems like I read some blogger recently that predicted this outcome. Hmmmm…oh, yeah…that was friggin ME. The puppy dog defeated the lion. David slayed Goliath. The Giants defeated the Patriots all over again. All is now right with the world. Black will live in harmony with white….Christian will join hands with Muslims….the unthinkable got thunk. That dirty, stinkin,rotten, annoying,self-indulgent screaming glam-rocker got sent home with his coattails between his knees.  This is the result we hoped and prayed for…….Why then does this all feel SO wrong? The truth is the results should have been read like this..” The 100 million nationwide votes are in and the 2009 American Idol winner IS………NOT ADAM LAMBERT.”  Lets face it. These winning votes were more about NOT voting for Adam than they were voting for Kris. Don’t get me wrong…still not a huge Adam fan but it’s hard to deny the guy’s MEGA talent. You gotta give Adam credit he seemed genuinely happy for Kris. Unlike Simon, who looked like someone had just stolen his t-shirt collection.

I sat down last night in full Icebox mode prepared to take tons of mental notes that a 2 hour finale would surely provide. As the show moved along, I began to realize my work as Icebox, for this season, is done. I wanted to to just sit there and just take it all in without having to find the humorous angles in every flicker of the screen. I wanted to enjoy it as just a fan……AND that I did. I took off my “cynical” glasses and shut down my “mental notebook” and just ENJOYED. Yes, that’s right. For all of it’s faults, I think I dug ever second of the finale.

- Norman, Nelson..whatever…loved it

- Gokey & Richie. Good stuff. You know what? That friggin Gokey is so smooth vocally. He can really sing anything and make it sound cool.

-Lambert with KISS…C’mon, how could you not love that. Putting aside Gene Simmons and that stupid tongue thing. That really rocked and Adam fit like a glove.

- Bikini Girl…Obviously, this was all planned (I think. Bikini girl really looked not too happy) but good stuff. Kara rolls out and vocally puts her too shame and then reveals the bikini. I loved it. I’m sorry.

-final FORD commercial…is it me or was that little duet Kris and Adam did the best performance of the year. I think I would buy that song.

-Alison & Lauper…except for that moment when Cyndi seemed to spaz out  I thought this was really cool

- Steve Martin, Oil Rig Guy & Megan….can you get any quirkier than this?  BUT even this somehow worked for me.

-Kris, Adam & Queen…It was about this point that it began to sink in that friggin Adam is friggin talented.

-Rod Stewart….give the guy credit, still looks pretty good and hasn’t completely lost his trademark sound.

Even the group songs, for as bad as they were, I was into them.  Hey, Ice!.. What?… Are you going soft on us? No, not at all I just think the nostalgia of the evening…the sentimentality of seeing all of those friggin idiots up on the stage one last time kind of sucked me in. The producers hit this child of the 70′s & 80′s where he lives. Yes, I know there was plenty of material there to goof on, but I’ll leave that to the others…..THIS TIME.

This has been a great season and I have had a blast writing this blog. Thanks to the 45 or so readers per week. Gotta give a shout out to my boy, Kingpin and the newly elected president of the Icebox fan club, Dafeedil for the support.

Shed no tears for Adam for not winning. This dudes future is bright. I’m happy for Kris. Like his predecessor and still my favorite Idol, David Cook, Kris seems like a good guy. However, while most of what came out of Kris’s mouth this season was ALL GOOD, you can’t deny that his first response upon hearing he had won was ALL TRUTH..” Adam deserves this..Adam deserved to win.

Until next season…Karen, please dim the lights…….

Icebox

Well, my prediction of Kris going home was wrong. It doesn’t shock me though. Kris has been picking up steam over the past few weeks and just is hipper,cooler & more relevant than Danny. Wow! Last night was a buffet of “filler”.  Starting with Alicia Keys, looking fine as ever. She was there promoting some kind of Feed The Hungry Africans program. I really enjoyed watching that Noah kid last night. It’s not every day you get to see some African kid hop around on stage and phonetically lip-synch an atrocious song. But he did learn those same two lines in just a week. Thankfully, the proceeds from the download of that song will go to towards feeding the hungry kids. Huh?  I wouldn’t download that song to feed my own kids. That means four fortunate little African kids are going to get a paper plate full of oatmeal and flies.

Next we had Jazmine Sparks..or whatever the hell her name is.  She really “performed” that song. I would reccommend a slight adjustment next time she performs that number…just maybe leave the song part out. She had that “Too late to Apologize” dude with her on the piano. I guess he wrote the song. Hey dude, it’s NOT too late to apoligize for writing that piece of crap song though. “….put on your armour……put on your armour…..love is battlefield….wo wo..wo..wo..wooooo…we are strong! Heartache to heartache..we stand… Yeah, “Been-atar” there…done that!

Finally, Katy Perry came on and picked up where Lady Gaga and Gwen Stefani left off. Was there some kind of congressional mandate passed down that requires all white chick singers to be friggin goofy. What? Only the black chick singers are allowed to come on stage NOT wearing a football helmet, leotards and flip flops. What was that song?  It’s like ” Hey, maybe if I don’t take myself serious no one will notice I friggin suck….All I have to do is come out on stage riding an Alpaca and singing into a garden hose and they wont’ pay attention to the song.”  These are friggin circus acts. ..If you gotta be shot out of a cannon dressed like Chewbacca…..I’m guessing I can pass on your next hit single.

Hey, I noticed they had most of the “booted” Idols there in the front row. I also noticed that our dear friend , Jorge Nunez, wasn’t there. I’m assuming the producers were like ” Wait! We gotta fly him from where???   Oh, screw that….we’ll just leave an empty seat in the front with a sombrero in it in his honor.”   

Oh, I almost forgot the Idol trips home. I was wondering when we were going to get to see Danny’s little black friend, Jamar, again. I’m not quite sure what Jamar has done to deserve riding in that parade. I like how they showed a quick clip of Danny and Jamar walking through a crowd and someone yells out Jamar’s name. What they don’t show is what followed “Hey Jamar!”………….What the hell are you doing? You’re lunch break is over. The drive-thru is starting to back up.”

I did get a little choked up with Kris and his dad…..I mean Kris has been serving his country honorably over in Iraq and putting his life on the line and…..What?..He’s not coming back from the war?….He’s an American IDOL…not an American Hero? But his dad…?

Loved the video of the topless girl running up to Adam. I think the football team could have flung feces at him from the stands and he would have seemed more pleased. I was dissapointed they didn’t include Daddy Lambert in the homecoming video. I ‘m guessing GAP Kids had a clearance sale on Gummy Bear T-shirts.

Ok, now for a brief moment of seriousness. Danny, obviously, had something very tragic happen in his life and thankfully Idol came along to ease his pain. He seems like a good dude and no doubt that boy can sing. One of the best “sing outs” ever. I’m sure this is the best thing to happen to him…… and Jamar. I heard that Jamar has already changed his name to Andrew Ridgeley in preparation of his new career. Good luck, Gokey!

One million votes people. One million votes seperated Kris from Adam. I have to think right now that Kris will rake in the majority of Gokey’s votes. Unlike Adam who can’t possibly be picking up new votes as the season goes on, Kris, if he does well next week, could and WILL win the whole damn thing. Yes, Kris Allen is your new American Idol. America loves a feel good story. There is NOTHING that feels good about Adam Lambert.

Geez, what an evening!  I spent about two hours last night trying to separate the judges and Adam with a hose.  It was like a room full of dogs in “heat”.  We knew this was coming. Both Randy and Simon had said in interviews this week that Adam should win. I absolutely loved Simon’s not-so-subtle attempt to get all of America to vote for Adam. Ryan brought up a story about Adam “being attacked ” by a female fan at one of his appearances. Umm…did you not get the memo, sweetheart?  Adam is …well, let’s just say…you could be dropped naked from a B52 into his apartment and not be noticed. You don’t learn to hit those notes by being with the ladies.

Simon was asked in an interview this week if he and Paula had something going on. He, of course denied it. Which, of course, means they do. 

Ok, let’s get started. There is no need to take notes. I will passing out handouts at the end. Please silence your cell phones and pagers. Does anybody you know even own a pager? Didn’t they go out back when cell phones looked like army medic walkie-talkies?

Ok, silence class….you have 45 minutes…please begin…..

Mr. Ive Been Preparing For This Since I Was 5 And Am Already A Polished Professional-  My friggin heart sunk when I heard it announced that he was going to do U2′s ONE. My problem was that ONE is a longtime, all-time favorite of mine. So I was not looking forward to having to praise this dude. I just knew he was going to “nail it”.  Well, it didn’t take more than 20 seconds and one of his blood curdling screams to realize he was destroying this song. He was pissing a moustache on the Mona Lisa. Yes, Bono, gave his blessings to Adam to do this song….not to run it through a meat grinder and crap in it. That is a song that really can’t be perfected and shouldn’t be messed with. Suddenly, I was filled with joy.  I not only didn’t have to compliment this dude he may have cost himself some votes. YES!!!!! He gets all of this praise for being creative and original but the truth be told he is a “one-trick-phoney”.  Kara asked “Who hits those notes?”   The more appropriate question is “Who wants to HEAR those notes?” Especially, every five seconds. This guy will be a passing fad.   That scream of his would actually be cool if he pulled it out sparingly. 

His second song was Crying by Aerosmith. A perfect choice for this Steven Tyler “never-gonna-be”. Dude, I know Steven Tyler……..well, actually, I know where Steven Tyler’s ex-wife’s friend gets her car washed and you are NO Steven Tyler. First of all, was that the ghost of Syesha Mercado singing in the  background and overpowering Adam’s vocals? I think that she is still angry about getting voted off in the Top 3 last season. Obviously, Adam doesn’t reads my blog because I noticed that he didn’t talk to his dad about his wardrobe. WTF??? Daddy Lambert rolled into the studio wearing some dumbass t-shirt with some kind of Gingerbread Man looking things on it. If Mama Lambert could stop crying at Adam’s  every move, word, laugh, breath, heartbeat she might notice that her husband is appearing in front of 70 million people every week looking like a friggin middle school kid.

The Boy Next Door- This dude won the night in my eyes and ears. I was quite proud of myself for actually knowing and liking the first song choice.  Yeah, in retrospect, doing that song on the acoustic guitar would have been cool but he did his second number on the acoustic.  Nonetheless, he did a very good job on Apologize  by …umm… Union Pacific ….I don’t know. Anyway, the two dorks that picked this song then went on to rip him for “not taking chances” . Yeah Kris, you idiot! You should brought back a few drunken Cherokee Indians from Arkansas and had them fire flaming arrows at you during your performance. Would that be taking enough of a chance, you jerkoffs?

His second number was stellar! This according to my teenage children who actually know the song and can appreciate how he changed it up.  My daughter was insistent that I’ve heard this song before. Well, unless Spandau Ballet did it 100 years ago…I don’t know it. The judges loved it. My kids loved it. Therefore, I loved it. Based on what was two really solid performances…I think I have to give the night to Kris. The good news is he will have some good songs to choose from when he gets the boot tonight.

Dead Wife Guy-  Well, Paula’s song choice for Danny made one thing very obvious…..she’s back on the pain killers.  She was on the right track with Terrance Trent D’Arby, but must have been texting her pharmacist for a refill when she took the train off the track into the “bad song choice” wall.  How could you not go with Sign your name?  I’ll tell you how….because you wanted your “little Adam” to shine.  Gokey did what he could with it.  Could you all shut up about this guy’s dancing?   He is a straight, white male from Michigan.  That’s how God intended them to dance.  

When he announced he was going to do You Are So Beautiful my first thought was ” oh, great..another desperate have you forgotten that my wife is deadsong”.  Well, it may have been ,but I’m going to cut him slack with a chainsaw. That was friggin awesome. That was a genuine performance. Nothing seemed over-calculated or over-dramatic,… not like any of the Idols would do THAT.  That was the best performance of the night!

So here are the potential GONERS…. Kris 

I have to give big props to Danny for goofing on himself about the “note”. I guess there were more “he’s so cute” votes for Kris than I expected.

BREAKING NEWS: Paula Abdul admits to a 12 year drug addiction…….

COMMENT: DUH!!!!

I sure hope Paula didn’t flush all of those pills down the toilet…she’s gonna need them when she finds out that only….(uh, let me see, there’s Randy, Simon, Kara, Ryan, Paula’s mom…that’s five, right? ) yeah, that only five people downloaded that new friggin song of hers.  I like that stupid ending where she said ” I’m only here for the music”……as if we really believed that friggin mic was even on during that whole performance. That choreography was pretty hot though………back in 1988…. when we saw it in everyone of her stupid friggin videos. I hate to break it to you Paula…it wasn’t 12 years of drug abuse that put your career in the dumpster. It was America realizing that’s where it belonged. Straight Up, now tell me…..

I have to admit I do like Gwen Stefani…but her vocals last night sucked. You know when a singer starts hopping around the room like a friggin kangaroo the vocals are going to be rough. I don’t care how much she runs around the room…..run the friggin L.A. Marathon, if you want,  it can’t distract us from bad VOCALS. 

I had never seen Daughtry before last night. I guess he did pretty good. The song sounded like any other song out there from that Genre. I could be wrong, but I  don’t think I need to see Daughtry again.

Next week should be interesting what with the judges choosing songs for the Idols. I’m sure they will “hook up” their lover boy , Adam.

Adam, we picked Welcome to the Jungle by Guns-N-Roses, for you…….Cool!!!

Kris, we would like to see you do the Theme from Jaws…..Huh? But there are no lyrics……..What? Oh, really…..Hmmm…just make some up. You’ll do smashing

Danny, we have picked Dream On by Aerosmith……….But I did that last week and you hated it. It was my worst Idol moment……….Precisely!!!

Oh, by the way, I just got this in the Inbox.  Hmmm….do I feed my kids this month…or do I take the family to see Michael Sarver?  I know during the season it seems enticing to see this concert cuz you are still full of Idol fever. I ALMOST bought into it last year but come July I was SOOO glad I didn’t.  Did I really want to see Chikezee in concert and pay $50 to do so. I could just wait two more months and have him serenade me at LAX while he’s tagging my luggage.

 Ok, well, Alison..BIG RED……..you should still be there.  It would have been nice to see Adam sweat a little.  So pack up your lovely family and head home. I’m sure the border guards will be kind and let you slip in the back way. Adios, Princesita.

I’m happy to announce that this will be my last blog ever. I just received this email informing me that I am a MILLIONAIRE.

Before any of you idiots come back with that “This is a scam” crap, just take a gander at the bottom line there. This was sent from the FRIGGIN British Government Financial Department. Plus, I’ve already spoken to the lovely Mrs. Shannon Maris and all I need to do is just send her all of my banking information, passwords and Social Security number and I will be the next American Idol, the next America’s Top Model and America’s Funniest Home Video all wrapped into one. Woo Hoo!!!

Ok, let’s get on with this I only have this space rented for an hour.

Mr. Ive Been Preparing For This Since I Was 5 And Am Already A Polished Professional- Rock N Roll GOD!!!!  He could possibly be the greatest vocalist of all time.  He has set the bar so high that God is disbanding all of the choirs of angels in heaven.  Finally, the musical “Messiah” has arrived.  I mean, c’mon, it was right there in front of our face. His name is LAMB..ert for God sakes.  AHHHHH!!!   How come he doesn’t get blasted for doing a pretty close sound alike? Alison gets ripped for doing a song that is not very melodic, yet Adam sings that horrible Whole Lotta Love that sounds like a chainsaw massacre. …SAFE

Big Red- Ignore those frigginidiots sitting behind the judges table. They had climbed so far up Adam’s butt that they couldn’t even see your performance. She was great! What was up with the ass faces of the judges during this performance? Was she really that bad? No, as it turns out. An insider overheard this conversation between the judges right before Alison came on. Randy had been scratching the “Jackson 2′” and huddled the others up around him and stuck his hand up to their faces and asked ” Hey, any of you ever smelled DEEZ? ………….DEEZ NUTS???!!!!   That kinda brought the night down from that point on. Screw you Randy & Kara! “You should have sung  something more melodic”. Simon wanted her to sing Queen. Huh? Yeah, maybe some Hootie & The Blowfish, too. THIS GIRL SHOULD BE THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL. She has amazing talent AND her dad at least wears a button up shirt to the show unlike Daddy Lambert who rolls in after cutting the grass and takes a seat. Hey, Adam, loan your dad one of your dresses.   

The Boy Next Door- He wasn’t as bad as they said. He did his thing , his way. He should have taken a hard rock song and went acoustic with it. He ain’t got the pipes to belt out a rock song. I don’t think there will be enough “he’s so cute” votes to save him..GONE!

Dead Wife Guy-  Last night, I felt like I had put on all 35 pairs of Gokey’s glasses, at the same time, and everything became crystal clear. I  just came to the realization that Gokey”missed the train”.  What train, Icebox?……The transformation train. Throughout the season the real “players” should go through that transformation from “just some dude/chick with a good voice” to rock/pop star.  This dude is still waiting at the station.  You can’t roll out there, being in the Top 4, looking like a banker and sing Dream On. ”Ok, so we are doing classic rock-n-roll songs this week…does anybody got a VEST?” Huh? C’mon, mess up the hair, grow your beard out, put on a ripped t-shirt and jeans and throw those friggin glasses in the trash. You dance like you can’t see where you are friggin going anyway. He is basically another Taylor Hicks with a BIGGER voice and  DEADER wife..Bottom 3.

So here are the potential GONERS…. Kris & Danny

So close!…..We were this close to really giving Adam something to scream about. I was this close to having my original prediction of Adam going out early like Michael Johns, come true. Oh, well, it was worth it just to see him dragged across the stage to the Bottom Three. I knew Matt was going to go. Adam has such a huge fan base that even if half of them ran off to Iowa to get married he could still stay safe. It was nice to see that Simon’s attempt to manipulate the audience into voting for Alison seemed to work.  I’m now seeing this whole thing much clearer. If Simon trashes someone, unjustly, after a great performance he is basically telling America to get up and vote for them. He wants a “fight to the finish”…not a one “man-girl” race.

I do love the unpredictability of the show. For instance, who had any idea that when the Idols were in the kitchen making cakes, that some wisen-hiemer would put some flour on someone else and THEN….you’ll never believe this……they started this big food fight. I’m so glad the cameras were there to document this hysterical, off the cuff, totally unplanned event. The crew went there to film, what would have been a really interesting & fun piece on seeing the Idols mix batter, but they  got so much more. Great Job! I can’t wait until next week when they do a segment on the Idols painting one of the rooms. I smell more hi-jinx from this wacky bunch.

Natalie Cole graced the stage last night with some God awful song Somethings Gotta Give. Well, SOMETHING did give and it was her voice. Nothing worse than seeing ageing singers backing off on notes cuz they can’t hit them anymore. Ok, so it’s time to “hang em up”. Go home and write a book about your dad beating you or something. She told Ryan she was starting a tour in Romania, or some friggin place. Great choice! At least they won’t know that you didn’t ALWAYS sound like crap.

Taylor Hicks! Here I was thinking this guy’s career was dead a long time ago and he come out last night full of energy and proves me right. I need to know whose these industry people are that decide there is potential BIG money in having a new Taylor Hicks CD? I’m guessing the studio had some left over blank tapes and were going to toss them and someone said “Jeez, that seems like such a waste..let’s, at least, record a Taylor Hicks album on them before we throw them away.” Since the judges all gave him a standing ovation that tells me Hicks is still linked to Idol, as per the contract, and they want to convey to the audience that they need to ignore their adverse reaction to that horrible song and run out into their front yard and buy a copy when Taylor comes to their neighborhood selling this crap out of the back of his car.

Jamie Foxx, who has the number one song in the country, huh? took the stage and I was incensed during the whole performance. There was a very rude, young black man, with a mic, no less,…shouting things out during the entire song.  “yo”..”whoa”..”yeah”. How rude! It’s hard enough to lip-synch in front of millions of people without having to deal with that. “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Jamie Foxx’s World of Hyperbole….starring your host …Jamie Foxx.”  So these five idols are the most talented people he has met in the last 10 years.  Look Beyonce, you’re good and all but we are replacing you with Kris Allen…..sorry!

Next week is Rock-N-Roll week…which means sing whatever the hell you want.  Well, I gotta go..Scott MacIntyre is in my backyard and I don’t have the pool cover on.

FOR YOUR SAFETY, THIS BLOG HAS BEEN INSPECTED FOR HUMOR AND NONE WAS FOUND. However, this blog  is made in a facility that makes a food containing peanut and nut products. Severe food allergy reactions are possible.

Ok, so I’m sitting there in the American Idol production planning room. The producers are planning the next show (last night’s).

Producer : Ok, guys were are doing music made famous by The Rat Pack this week.

Staff : Cool, more 80′s music…yeah!  Who is our mentor? Rob Lowe?…Judd Nelson?..Emilio Esteves?

Producer : That’s the BRAT PACK…wrong era. Were talking about Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis. Jr.

Staff : Ok, so our mentor is either 135 years old or dead.

Producer: No, just stay with me on this.  What current superstar symbolizes this genre of music better than anyone?

Staff : So we are getting Harry Connick Jr or Michael Buble’ ?

Producer : Uhh..well..no…..good ideas, though.

Staff : ok, I give……Red Skelton?

Producer :  Your getting warm….

Staff : Redd Foxx?

Producer : Your getting warmer..

Staff : Jamie Foxx???

Producer : Yes, you got it. Isn’t that great?

Staff : Wow! That’s a great guest mentor……but what’s the connection to Rat Pack Music?

Producer : Well, Jamie is a singer, after all …and..and..he played Ray Charles in a movie and…..this was the only week he was available. So make it work.

This was one of the BIGGEST stretches in A.I. history. Plus, what a coincidence that Matt was leading the group singing Georgia, just as Foxx enters the room. How could that be? They had no idea? What are the odds?  They didn’t know who was coming. That having been said, he was probably one of the most effective mentors ever. Last night’s show was so full of really good performances that I almost decided to not my BLOG today. But I just couldn’t let my 33 readers down.  The more I thought about it the more I realized the Idols should do really well with this theme. These are “singers” songs and these idols can sing.   The BIG question tonight is who gobbled up the Slumdog & Brown Sugar votes. If the minorities stick together Alison could be the beneficiary. We all know halfway through the season the audience picks there favorites and they ride those horses as long as they are in the race. Their performances are irrelevant.                                  

Dead Wife Guy- With this guys vocal style I knew he would nail whatever he sang…and he did. His competition at this point is Kris.

Big Red- Was there a slight twinkle of “cuteness” with her last night? I expected the least out of her and while all were pretty good..I think she did the best. She needed to do a total ballad and nailed it. The only way she loses tonight is if the Swine Flu has incapacited all of her fans from south of the border. It’s her against Matt.

The Boy Next Door- This guy has gone from Mr. Irrelevant to being a “player”.  He still has that annoying Charlie Brown shaped mouth when he hits the high notes ( joke courtesy of K.H.) but he is turning it up and is a likeable guy. I just feel bad for the soon-to-be-ex. Mrs. Allen.  He has made it far enough that he will be dumping her soon enough (see Kevin Costner’s first wife)….SAFE.

BLues Brother-  The only thing wrong with this performance was Matt’s hat. It looked more like something Captain Von Trapp would wear while escaping from the Nazi’s. I think Matt could be the one going….

Mr. Ive Been Preparing For This Since I Was 5 And Am Already A Polished Professional- That white suit looked stupid!!!!…and regardless of the fact that Paula was “breathless”…he did not give the best performance of the night. I think she starts clapping for him about 4 hours before the show starts. …….. SAFE.

So here are the potential GONERS….  Blues Brother & Big Red

AMERICAN IDOL IS RACIST!!!! Last night the only remaining non-white contestants were either given Bottom 3 status or shown the door. The Black was tossed without even the benefit of a little suspense. Slumdog, the Indian was shown the door and Alison, the Hispanic, has become the red/purple/maroon/whatever colored hair version of Kristy Leigh. Perpetual Bottom 3. 

“Lil…you sang some stupid song from the 70′s…the judges hated it…and so did America so please get up and sing that stupid song again so Paula and Kara can do their ”pity dance” and then get out.” That was rough. I wish Randy would leave the phony “your really rockin’ the house” activities to the girls. They are much better at being phony. Randy is so not into it that he can’t even keep time with the song with his half-hearted clap.  At least, he did leave her with tons of undeserved praise and told her  “IT AIN’T OVER, BABY  JUST THE BEGINNING, BABY”……duh! She still needs to go pack her crap up and get on a plane and get home. THEN IT’S OVER!  Seriously, those were pretty encouraging words cuz I’ve only heard him say that to ..umm…just about EVERY FRIGGIN PERSON WHO HAS EVER BEEN ON THAT STAGE. Sorry BROWN SUGAR….but the only recording you will be doing will go something like this….”Hi..you have reached the Rounds residence, please leave a message after the beep……..”

David Archuleta followed in the footsteps of many other former Idols by putting on a sucky performance. Man, that song was crap and all of my criticisms of his vocal abilities came to light last night. His voice was flatter than the top of Simon’s head. Certain notes sound like a friggin foghorn. Who did he say he was touring with? McFly???  That should be a record breaking tour.

Just when I thought Idol had run out of potential material for me they raided the Rock & Roll Cemetery and dug up Frida Payne, Thelma Houston & KC. YES! There is a humor God.  First of all, what better way to celebrate Disco Week than to have a song, Band Of Gold from the year 1970 performed. Yes, 1970. Disco wasn’t even a twinkle in it’s mother’s eye at that point. Why not roll Fats Domino out there to do Blueberry Hill? I must say, however , that ONE hit paid for a ton of plastic surgery. 

 I don’t get it. If we have age restrictions on driving…can’t we put the same restrictions on performers. I thought the way this broad was marching up and down the stairs she was going to fall and break a hip. Next, was Thelma Houston, (yes, she is related to Whitney) There was definitely a family resemblance. She looked Bobby Brown had been knocking her around backstage. Somewhere…some small children living in a one room tenement apartment with no phone service were hiding under a table cringing over their great grandma’s performance.

Finally, a true Disco Icon, KC minus the Sunshine Band. I’m thinking ..”ok, this will redeem the night”…then he opened his mouth and sounded like Joe Pesci. Even back in his ”heyday” everyone knew KC wasn’t a singer but it worked because he had 47 black guys, behind him, playing some rockin horns. We even ignored the friggin white jump suit with the frills on it. OMG! That wasn’t KC…..that was everybody’s Uncle Gary after one drink too many. He looked a little pissed too. My guess is they had to drag him away from the free food in the Green Room. Even the annoying back-up singers that were revolving around him like friggin planets couldn’t cover up this dude’s gut. At least, the other broads tried to give us some level of youthful exuberance. KC was like ..”Ok, I’ll sing the first 4 lines then shut my mic off …..”

I never understood this whole concept of going to see these Hits From The (fill in the blank)…..cuz when you get there, these friggin people are so old they can barely sing and you are yearning for the original version. If the original sounded anyhitn like what you were hearing you would have hated the song. I don’t know. I guess it’s give these people something to do.

Oh, yes,..how could I forget  the “group song”. Ya know the gang did pretty well. Of course, the lip synching was worse than a dubbed Kung Fu movie. It was funny though, because I’m guessing Slumdog sucked or something because they highlighted everyone but him. A bit of foreshadowing of the night’s results.

The Ford Commercial SUCKED too…..Oh, Yeah?..Say it to my face…….I just did.

BIG surprise that Matt stayed. Not that he isn’t going home next week..unless America continues it’s RACIST ways and show Alison the “SALIDA”. Slumdog deserved a SAVE just because of his response to getting booted. “Yeah, I’m bummed about leaving but at least (and this is where the dreamers will say “I can get on with my music career”. Sure! Ok!)…I get to go back to Chapel Hill.” Slumdog, go get that degree in Computer Programming. Finally, a realist. Hey, maybe you and Chikezee can hook up in 40 years for a reunion tour.

I was late to work this morning cuz I was sitting in line to get my Susan Boyle concert tickets. If she didn’t look like she had just gone through a car wash..on a bicycle would anyone care?   Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I need to get out of here. My buddies and I are throwing a BIG Earth Day party. So two will go home tonight. Will they still be “singing themselves home”?  I hope Lil and Matt make a nice duet.  It will get interesting now because where will all of the Lil and Matt votes go? All of Adam’s “Ants” are already voting for him…so there could be an interesting swing in power. Simon is usually pretty “dead on” but I think he missed on a couple last night.

Brown Sugar-  Ok, I think 7 or 8 weeks of duds should be enough proof that she SUCKS! If you have any talent at all over a period of 8 weeks you HAVE to, even by accident, “knock one out of the park”. BAD SONG CHOICE!  Especially, since that was not really a “disco” song. It came out in 1983. Plus, when they only give you like two minutes to sing why would you spend 45 seconds of that time with those stupid ” C’mon, everybody…..let’s hear it.”  According, to last weeks results not one friggin person in the entire audience is in the Top 7. So I’m not really interested in hearing them sing half the song.  Also, just because Paula gets up and dances during your song don’t be fooled into thinking you are doing well.  You could have come out and done the Theme from Flipper and Paula would still be up on her chair dancing. When Lil went out to the audience, during her performance,  she would have been wise to scoop up her husband and kids and just kept going all the way to LAX. It was a little cold hearted of the crew to roll her luggage out on stage in the middle of her performance. Well, the producers better roll out the “double-wide” Bottom 3 stool cuz she WILL be in it. GGGGGone!!!

Dead Wife Guy- Thankfully, there not many “disco” songs that can conjure up memories of a dead wife. …..So Danny came out and rocked the house, instead. Ok, so he took dance lessons from Oil Rig Guy…but you know what?… he had fun and it was contagious. It’s too bad that Adam had to ruin everything …this could have been an interesting finish. I forgot who said it but it’s true. This guy has not spit out one bad note the entire season……SAFE

Big Red- See what happens when you leave a young child alone with a hot curling iron? I warned you this could happen. Didn’t she read the warning labels? WTF was up with her hair?  For me Dawg-ess, it wasn’t one of your best. I know you are a rocker chick  and “disco” isn’t your thing but I would have like a better song. It kinda felt “mailed in”….SAFE     

Slumdog- Finally, he made an attempt to come up with a “look”. Regardless, of what Simon said I thought he actually did really good. He can really sing.  I guess Ryan make some crack about Slumdog’s eyebrows and Groucho Marx ( I missed it)…THAT’S NOT FUNNY!….cuz, I didn’t think of it.  At this point, everyone has picked their favorites and it’s the same group as last week….  so he could be Bottom Three again.

The Boy Next Door- She works hard for the money????? …  An acoustic version of a cheesy Donna Summer song???…  Bongo drums?????….BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!   That performance with his Ain’t No Sunshinewere two of the best, by anyone, of the season. Ok, so this guy is growing on me. I just tore down my poster of  Scott Baio and replaced it with a Kris Allen one. That was almost a David Cook  Billie Jean or Hellomoment…AND I could actually hear that friggin guitar. If he can put together another good week or two, he could possibly win the whole competition…….for SECOND  place that is…….SAFE.

BLues Brother- We knew someone had to come out and do a true “disco” song. It wasn’t as God awful as I thought it might be. But  when you follow Adam, you better come out with an announcement of world peace and a cure for cancer if you don’t want to get lost in Lambert mania. He didn’t. Plus, I hate to goof on my guy, but that ” Don’t forget I’m the Bluesy guy” hat is getting old.  You don’t see Anoop rolling out there with a big red dot on his forehead or Alison with a bag over her head. It’s like ok, we know you’re the Bluesy Guy..we know your the Indian Guy..we know your the Ugly Chick. I don’t think Matt will be Staying Alive much longer. Bottom Three….and probably GONE 

Mr. Ive Been Preparing For This Since I Was 5 And Am Already A Polished Professional-Well, we knew when he first came out in that “dimly lit, ballad, full of angst and emotion” suit  and hairdo what we were in store for. Thanks for ruining a perfectly good show.   We had a nice friendly competition going on here until YOU showed up. Paula felt “your pain”…..Adam imagine our pain of devoting 3 months of our lives to show that we know the ending to. I’ve said it before and will say it again. This guy is NOT a rock or pop star. He is a stage performer. His voice is amazing but his range places him somewhere between Christopher Cross and that goofy looking dude from Air Supply and those acts haven’t had a hit since Adam’s perfect little parents were sitting next to each other in high school Chemistry class…….. SAFE.

So here are the potential GONERS….Brown Sugar, Blues Brother & Slumdog……